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AND THEY
ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT!!!
Question:
How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question:
How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question:
Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees
count pennies? Answer: They are the only
ones who have the time. Question: What is the common
term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question:
Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal .
Question:
What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question:
What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very
favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do
all week? Answer: Monday through
Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly
worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two major surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like
my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then
I'll be sure my daughters and granddaughters
visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not
as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant
me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing
Give us
a sense of humor. Give us the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life,
And pass
it on to other folk.
TODAY'S
CLEAN LAUGH
*Grandma and Computer* The computer's swallowed grandma Yes' honestly' its true. She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And
disappeared from view.
Its devoured her completely The thought just makes me squirm. Maybe she's caught a virus Or
been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind. I've even used the Internet But
nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative Not
a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box' My Grandma you should see. Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and
'Paste' her In an e-mail back to me. ______________________
*Arrangements* It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom,
you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements
about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I
mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause.
Then the mother looked up and said,
"Son, why don't you surprise me?"
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.






Screen Cleaner <-----click here to view

WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE, LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT & SAY NOTHING
WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY.....
When
I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And
bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I
want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning
each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll
write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And
I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.
I'll
drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll
stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When
they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll
get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh,
they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When
they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll
not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll
gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And
when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll
sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll
cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll
take off my socks and throw one away,
And
play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
And
later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll
thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My
kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And
say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

God
Bless All Moms and Grandmas everywhere!
Gentle
thoughts for today......
When I'm
feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny
saved is a government oversight.
The older
you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest
way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you
ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL "
If you think
there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The sole
purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's
always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you
ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually
you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older
we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
One of the
many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
First you
forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago
when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.






Even YOU can teach a dog new tricks.
TYPE IN a command and see what happens... sit, roll over, down, stand, sing,
dance, shake, fetch, beg, jump, play dead etc.
DOG TRICKS....<---CLICK HERE
Inner Strength If you can start the day
without caffeine, If
you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If
you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If
you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If
you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
..Then You Are
Probably
The Family Dog!

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