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WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting
born.
How did God make mothers?
1.
He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made
me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that
other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What
did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.
His last name.
2.
She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma
says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to
be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a
lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms
and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring
them.
3. Dads
are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at
your friend's..
4.
Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare
time.
2. To
hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know
it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
BITS OF WISDOM....
I
dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some
changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I
do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'
~~~~~
Aspire
to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My husband
and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without
your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering,
And
take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The
irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're
not going anywhere.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find
one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~
May your troubles be less, your blessings be more
And nothing but happiness come
through your door
   
THIS
IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately
Have you noticed that stairs are
getting steeper. Groceries areheavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our
street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate
now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them
to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so mucholder than
I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing
so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to
be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life
and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully
fast, the way I see them screech and swervein my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilizedthese days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or
20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroomscales are pulling the same prank. Do
they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just
who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going
on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type
that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's
fonts-they are smaller than they once were.
*Anti-Burglar Signs* The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus.
Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious! Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains
all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your
body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"? Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most
of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are! To whom it
may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have
merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck... Dear Wife,
don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
*Golf Discovery* A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction
was. His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake.
After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again. After
taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said, "And you thought I was having
a good time."
Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life..
I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them..
I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless
of the consequences.
I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything,
or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
When you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find Out a secret.
It could change your life Forever.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you - you will find the
strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you
a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
'The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.
Thank God for all the wonderful people
who help us throughout the journey of life...
May Angels guard you and guide you.
SOME OF YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THIS (FOR THE REST OF YOU IT WILL BE A LEARNING SITUATION)
A LICK
AND A PROMISE
'I'll just
give this a lick and a promise,' my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of
the furniture.
'What
is that supposed to mean,' I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue.
'It means that I'm in a hurry and I'm busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give
it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.
'A lick
and a promise' was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably
heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear.
This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropri-ate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those
memorable old phrases:
1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to
discuss a disagreement)
2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive.
This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious
man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened
free of charge)
3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can
cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove thebad one)
4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)
5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)
6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as
useless as a dog barking at a knot.)
7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong
person)
8. Bee in your
bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose)
9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)
10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)
11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)
12. 13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)
14. Dicker (To barter or trade)
15. Feather in
Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might
receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)
16. Hold
your horses (Be patient!)
17. Hoosegow (a jail)
18. I reckon (I suppose)
19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)
20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)
21. Madder than an wet hen (really angry)
22. Needs taken down a notch
or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself
and needs a lesson)
23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)
24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)
25. Pert-near (short for pretty near)
26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)
27. Red up (clean the house)
28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)
29. Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)
30. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)
31. Sparking (courting)
32. Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one
concerned)
33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of
value)
34. Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)
35. We wash up real fine (is another goodie)
36. Tie the Knot (to get married)
37. Too many irons in the
fire (to
be involved in too many things)
38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)
39. Under the
weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness
thus you gobelow or under the weather)
40. Wearing your 'best bib and
tucker' (Being all dressed up)
41. You ain't the only duck in
the pond (It's not all about you)
Well, if
you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don't be too persnickety
and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I
haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the
fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just……A lick
and a promise.
LESSONS LIFE TAUGHT ME
written
By Regina
Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland
, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote a list of
lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 70 in August, so here
goes."
Ø Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
Ø When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Ø Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Ø Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Ø You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Ø Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
Ø It's OK to let your children see you cry
Ø Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
Ø Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
Ø Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Ø Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
Ø Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
Ø Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.
Ø Today is special.
Ø No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
Ø Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
Ø Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Ø However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Ø Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Ø Believe in miracles.
Ø Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Ø Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
Ø All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
Ø Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
Ø If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
Ø Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Ø The best is yet to come.
Ø No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Ø Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
AND THEY
ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT!!!
Question:
How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question:
How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question:
Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees
count pennies?
Answer: They are the only
ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common
term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question:
Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .
Question:
What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question:
What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very
favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do
all week?
Answer: Monday through
Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came
up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly
worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two major surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all
my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like
my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she
had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then
I'll be sure my daughters and granddaughters
visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not
as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant
me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing
Give us
a sense of humor.
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass
it on to other folk.
TODAY'S
CLEAN LAUGH
*Grandma and Computer*
The computer's swallowed grandma
Yes' honestly' its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And
disappeared from view.
Its devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or
been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the Internet
But
nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not
a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box'
My Grandma you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and
'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.
______________________
*Arrangements*
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom,
you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements
about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I
mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause.
Then the mother looked up and said,"Son, why don't you surprise me?"
The irony of life is that, by the time
you're old enough to know your way
around,
you're not going anywhere.
     
Screen Cleaner <-----click here to view
WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE,
LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD,
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
& SAY NOTHING
WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY.....
When
I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And
bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I
want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning
each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll
write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And
I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.
I'll
drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll
stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When
they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll
get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh,
they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When
they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll
not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll
gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And
when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll
sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll
cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll
take off my socks and throw one away,
And
play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When
I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
And
later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll
thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My
kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And
say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
God
Bless All Moms and Grandmas everywhere!
Gentle
thoughts for today......
When I'm
feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny
saved is a government oversight.
The older
you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest
way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you
ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL "
If you think
there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The sole
purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's
always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you
ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually
you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older
we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
One of the
many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
First you
forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago
when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
  
Even YOU can teach a dog new tricks.
TYPE IN a command and see what happens... sit, roll over, down, stand, sing,
dance, shake, fetch, beg, jump, play dead etc.
DOG TRICKS....<---CLICK HERE
Inner Strength
If you can start the day
without caffeine,
If
you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If
you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If
you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If
you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
..Then You Are
Probably
The Family Dog!
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